Kate Coleman

#BlogAboutIt

I have a confession to make... I don’t like myself very much. The past 7-10 years, basically all of my 20’s, I slowly and tediously lost more and more respect for myself. It shows: I gain and lose weight, I used to drink way too much, I have days where I’m contagiously manic and ecstatic followed by weeks of sluggishness and depression. LORD, I can’t even take a compliment most of the time because there’s this voice in my head [called my subconscious] that chimes in and says “DON’T LISTEN, remember: you’re kind of a piece of shit...”

 

Lately I’ve been a naysayer of social media because I was afraid it kept me in this trap of comparing myself to other people and ultimately getting defeated with my shortcomings. But I just spent the last hour looking through all of my Facebook photos; I joined in 2007 so you can imagine how many photos that was. The further back I got the more I didn’t recognize the person being photographed. I looked happy, confident, excited, hopeful, fearless... because I was! Here’s the rub: I don’t compare myself to others, I compare myself...to my-old-self.

 

 

My 20’s was/is a roller coaster which is not unusual... that’s when you fuck up constantly, float around bumping into other people and places, and if you’re lucky you accidentally find the right thing to do with yourself. Here’s what I’ve learned about myself:

 

1. I had almost no emotional maturity or ability to put my emotions into words. (In other words, I would get frustrated when people didn’t read my mind and “just know“ what I was experiencing so  I would eventually explode in a fit of rage/“mad-tears” and be a total bitch.)

 

2. I was impulsive to a point of being reckless and it made me capable of hurting people I really care(d) about.

 

3. I live too much in the future [which BTW is exactly what anxiety is] and therefore miss the present [which BTW can make you selfish, inconsiderate and ungrateful].

 

4. I have no idea what I’m doing. Still don’t. Ever. 

 

There are a lot of finer points in between but those are the major lessons. They’ve beat me down. I’m tired, embarrassed, ashamed, and I just feel gross.

 

However #4 is O.K.... better than O.K. Freeing.... Here’s what I’ve decided:

I’M GOING TO BE HAPPY, FULFILLED AND AT PEACE WITH MYSELF AGAIN. This time, with the wisdom I’ve gained through my 20’s. I’m done living each day with regret and despair over mistakes that millions of others make along with me. And I’m sick of not believing in myself when I can remember what it feels like when I did. That’s just torture.

 

Here’s the thing though, I need your help. I need to make myself accountable to something/someone other than myself... so I blog now, I guess Hahaha!

 

I’m going to be sharing my ‘road to redemption‘ starting RIGHT NOW! Today, Aug. 17, 2018, marks 7 weeks until my 29th birthday. I want the last 59 weeks of my 20’s to be a joyous, loving, and peaceful experience. I’m done with the experience I’ve been having and I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. Life is short and it’s just a series of decisions you make until you die. I’m deciding to change my life and reposition myself onto a path of openness, understanding, love, and... other good things 😉

 

Despite it being 3:30am, I’m going to wake up early and go outside and play because I fucking love that.

 

Comments

2018-08-28 09:14:50 - Rosey
Learning to love ourselves is hard work. Sometimes we artists go to the ugliest places to write the songs others needs to hear. Proud of you for being honest about your journey. I have always thought you were a beautiful person who shines so brightly! I’m glad to know you <3
2018-08-17 18:58:51 - Carolyn Lee
Every creative person I have ever known has a fair amount of angst and anxiety. That's what makes you such a great songwriter. You are very capable of showing your emotions... at least through song! We all beat ourselves up from time to time but ultimately as you get older you will learn to just accept yourself for who you are and enjoy life. Go out and play should be your motto going forward!
2018-08-17 09:15:07 - Juliet
For as long as I’ve known you (which is your whole life), you’ve always been beautiful and smart and creative. You have a beautiful soul and the biggest heart. I’ve always loved you like a sister. Even if I don’t get the chance to see you as much as I like just know that I believe in you, I always have. Remember the days at the waterfront. Remember the Dixie Chicks. Love you girl!! ❤️
2018-08-17 06:28:13 - Bradd Poole
I think you're awesome. Dont be so hard on yourself. We're all douches in our 20's lol.
2018-08-17 04:35:32 - Kaylee
I wish I was as strong as you. I hope you figure out what it is you want out of life and what makes you happy. You are a wonderful sister and a very adored aunt. Love you.
2018-08-17 03:51:40 - Jeff Eden
I’ve always seen confidence in you, the new you sounds like she can and will conquer all. Good luck, I look forward to seeing where this takes you.
2018-08-17 02:41:26 - Kelleye Troup
The Best is yet to be!!!! You're a Beautiful Human!!! #LifeLessons
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